Sometimes I sit in front of this screen and just stare at the empty WordPress box taking up my view. Just like with my yoga practice, when I fall off the blogging wagon it can be extremely intimidating and frustrating getting back on. In all honesty, I don’t know why I fall off in the first place. Do I get bored? do I get writer’s block? do I feel uninspired or am I just so scattered and distracted that I can’t keep my focus on this amazing platform that I should feel blessed to be using? I could ask the very same questions with my practice. I guess as long as I keep getting back up and keep getting back on that wagon, nothing else matters.
Now that I’ve gotten that random thought out of the way…
Our second week of road tripping will be ending tomorrow and the start of the third week will begin. We’ve spent the last week in Portland, my first time here and now I get it. I get the hype on Portland. Aaand I’m a bit disappointed in myself. Let me explain.
In July of ’13 when we went on our road trip to the west coast, our plan was to do what we’re doing now. Drive through Cali into Oregon, Washington and Vancouver (BC) and then make our way back down to Santa Fe. We made it as far as central California. There was no Oregon and there was no Washington (so naturally there was no Vancouver). Why you ask? because I have a problem. My problem is my honeymoon brain. I get too excited about places too quickly. Just about every place we’ve traveled to I’ve talked about living there. Brazil, Costa Rica, Seattle, Hawaii, California, New York. Every damn time we go somewhere, I put on my reality blinders and drag poor Freeman through my mental handicap of dreaming way too much. I’ve been in denial about it until now and it’s honestly the first time I haven’t been called out on it by someone else.
The reason I’m saying all of this is because the truth is, our year in California actually ended up being really tough for me. Freeman doesn’t know this (I’m sure he does now that I’ve posted it) but I cried a lot throughout this past year. It was no one else’s fault or doing; I cried a lot because I was learning a really hard lesson. A lesson about love, sacrifice, patience and tolerance. I was learning a lesson about my ego and about my soul and if I didn’t know any better, I saw it all coming years ago when we went on a spiritual journey in the Amazon jungle. Not everyone learns a hard lesson when they move away from home for the first time, but I did. I didn’t take into consideration just how lonely I would feel. My love had his girlfriend as well as his best friend (a SoCal native) to keep him company and keep him occupied. All I had was Freeman and all I could do was watch in envy as his new found friendship and social circle bloomed.
Sure I could have gone out and found ways to make friends. But it didn’t take long after moving there that I realized Orange County/SoCal wasn’t the place I wanted to make friends. We went to social gatherings, events, special occasions, restaurants, yoga studios, coffee shops and to be quite honest, I can’t name a time that I really felt someone was on the same vibe as me (I clicked with one person once but it never went beyond that initial introduction). What I was really looking for I just didn’t feel like I was going to find there. But I dealt with it because that’s how I was raised. I was always taught that you deal with the repercussions of your actions, no matter if they’re good or bad. Not to mention, a part of me wasn’t doing this for just me. I had witnessed with my own ears and eyes that Freeman was creating a friendship that could potentially be very good for him if we moved to SoCal (thank goodness I was right) so I completely encouraged a move to California so him and his friend could work and create together. Fortunately He ended up having an amazing year. Maybe not in all the ways he expected, but he definitely benefited greatly.
I’m not saying my year was bad by any means. It was just a tough lesson learned. Making that drive up the Oregon Coast, making our way into Portland, was the final touch to my lesson learned. It was the cherry on top. It was the universe bringing my lesson into a full circle. Seeing what I should have seen over a year ago, seeing what my options could have been instead, seeing how at home I could have felt even though I was so far from it, was humbling. Beyond humbling. Which is why I felt disappointed in myself. My habit of jumping into things without really thinking it through or giving it time hit me hard. It just might be the first time I really felt the pangs of regret and the shame of selfish behavior. I always try to justify my actions with excuses but I can’t do that anymore. Not with a habit like this and not when I share my life with Freeman. The idea of moving to California required me to constantly be working at convincing him. Who does that?? That’s such a dick move. Granted I saw the potential of his new friendship, but if someone isn’t really feeling something, who am I to force it upon them even if they could benefit from it?
With that being said, I love Portland (he always knew I would). I really do. I could easily live in this funky little stump town, my hobbies would be passions, I could spend time in forests as much as my heart desires, still go to the beach just about whenever I want and I would make friends easily (lets just say I’ve already encountered people I could totally be friends with and even already have friends who live here). But never again will I do to Freeman what I did in regards to Cali. I feel like a selfish jerk right now and I’m trying not to beat myself up about it (the past is in the past, as they say) but I’m thinking it’s a good thing I feel this way. It’s a part of that cherry topping. It’s the result of my lesson learned.
Tomorrow we drive to Seattle. We’ll have Thanksgiving with my dad’s family and then we’ll stay in Vancouver for a bit. Following that, we’ll make our way back down to Santa Fe. THEN we’ll discuss and decide our next steps. Then and only then will we decide where we’ll live next and with level, unbiased minds. And when we do so, there will be no coercing on my part. I’ve joked around about living here, but I refuse to make it a solid and serious statement. If Freeman doesn’t feel stoked about living here then we don’t have to.
You hear that, Freeman? You have my word. I love you to the stars, my sweetness.
You can never regret anything you do in life. You kind of have to learn the lesson from whatever the experience is and take it with you on your journey forward. ~ Aubrey O’Day