Today for the first time in about a week, I did yoga. It wasn’t super flowy or beautiful, it wasn’t very vinyasa-y either. I literally did what felt good. While I did yoga, I listened to some playlists I haven’t heard in years. And then I took some pictures. I compared these pictures to similar ones from a year ago. Where I saw improvement I also saw room for improvement. The truth is, I can easily be honest with those around me. I’m too good at calling others out on their shit. I’m too aware of them and not aware enough of myself.
I say this because while I truly do love myself, I need a reality check. I need tough love.
Since our road trip in July, I’ve been beating myself up. I’ve been frustrated, irritated and confused. I gained weight (and fatigue and a bad mood) and I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how I got out of shape and why it was so hard to get back in. My self esteem had been great before and ever since it’s been a struggle. A struggle to feel good in my own skin. To make matters worse, I didn’t see how I could be a good yoga teacher if I couldn’t even take care of myself right. You’re supposed to practice what you preach, right?
So today, I studied this picture comparison. I picked out the pros and cons. I thought of what I was doing then with everything and what I’m doing now. The changes I’ve made in the past year whether it’s food, exercise, environment. What I’ve realized is ALL of it has changed. Every single part. A year ago, we’d walk up to our local coffee shop which was at least 6 blocks (something we wouldn’t do now…thanks california). I drank a lot of water. A lot. We ate breakfast at home and our breakfast was nutritious but minimal. Our lunches were made at home and were pretty minimal as well. Gluten free sandwiches, leftovers, salads. Dinners were stir fry, seafood, everything cooked in coconut oil. I didn’t even realize just how healthy we ate until today. We ate so many veggies!! So what happened?? Where did all that healthy eating go??
Well we went on a road trip. We ate road food and vacation food. That was the first health destroyer. Then we moved to California where everything you need is one block over and all of a sudden you’re too lazy to make a healthy meal so your constantly treating life like it’s one long vacation. Hey let’s go to that burger place across the street and clog our arteries! or lets just get a nice gluten filled breakfast at the coffee shop because it’s too convenient. OR how about we order two pizzas and we can just tell ourselves it’s ok because we’re gonna walk across the street to pick it up? Slowly but surely, gluten made it’s way back into our daily intake. Sugar started to ease it’s way back into my cravings. I started eating HUGE portions instead of portions that my body was happy with and even started eating more dairy. I became less mindful. I stopped running. I stopped working out. I started lying to myself. I LOVE yoga. I love, love, love it. But I told myself it was all I needed. That I could half ass my self care and that I could stay healthy and in shape because of it.
I was so wrong and this is my truth. I fell of my good health wagon hard.
I was in denial and my denial resulted in frustration, irritation, and confusion. But I see it now and I get it now. There’s no easy way out of this. Once you’re at the bottom you restart at the bottom. And guess what? That’s ok.
California is beautiful and lovely but it doesn’t mean I’m on an endless vacation. It means I enjoy the sunshine with nutritious food in hand. It means I walk more because the weather is always nice. It means when I go to the beach, I don’t go crazy in the junk food department. It means I run more because I have the wonderful opportunity and weather to do so. No more half assing my life. No more half assing my health. This is a reminder of why I’m doing 100 days of Self Love. Sometimes you need a reality check. Time for some balance and a reboot on this temple of mine.
“Health is a state of complete harmony of the body, mind and spirit. When one is free from physical disabilities and mental distractions, the gates of the soul open.” ~ B.K.S. Iyengar